i could probably go on and on about stuff thats going on in my life right now for 5 hours.  i dont even know where to begin.  i feel like im so fucked up.  and i know exactly where it starts.  word of advice.  dont start friends with benefits.  it sucks. its quite possibly the worst feeling in the world. especially when you fall for that person.  like an idiot, thinking that eventually they'll want to date you. but they dont, you keep sleeping together, giving them everything, and they still wont date you.  theyll sleep with you and kiss you and act like they like you, but they wont date you. and then you realize, wow im a complete dumbass.  he's getting sex with no commitment.  what the hell was i thinking he'd want to step it up to a relationship.  and then you cry, and you feel like a fool.  but it keeps happening between the two of you becasue there's something there, something more than sex. but still, he wont date you.  he doesnt compliment you, he wont hold your hand.  and all the while youre giving everything to him.  listening to him.  laughing with him.  giving him backrubs, rubbing his stomach....all because you think he'll soon realize how great you are.  but then he doesnt.  and it starts to lower your self esteem. and the further it goes on, the worse you feel about yourself.  and you cry to him, telling him how much it's hurting you, and he holds you and apologizes, but does it change anything? nope.  not at all.  and then youre kicking yourself in the ass for wiating for him for so long, for thinking he's so great.  wrong.  he treats you like shit.  you cry yourself to sleep...in europe.  IN EUROPE.  what an idiot.  i ruined my trip over him.  and its killing me.  i want to call him all the time to yell at him, yell at him for FUCKING ME UP. for ruining my self esteem. for making me not trust men. for making me cry.  all the time.  cuz he's not worth it, but you thought he was.  and you shudder at the thought of how much you wnated him, how much it hurt when he'd sleep with you, then roll over and not hold you at all, not hold your hand.  OH MY GOD IT MAKES ME ACHE.  its so screwed up.  so. painful. so fucking painful.  i feel used. and im crying.  hating myself for all of this.  wishing i wouldnt have to see him. because he's my best friend, but it kills me to think of all of it.  and then you hear a song on the radio thats the perfect song...the song that you sing as hard as you can, while driving...sobbing down the road.   its so fucked up.  he says he likes you, but he doesnt want to date you.  he says that it wouldnt work. but he'll sleep with you.  i shouldve seen this coming.  i shouldve saved my heart from this shit.  and its starting to make me angry.  starting to convince me to swear off sleeping with someone until they will date me first.  cuz well, whats the fucking point? i never even got off anyway.

then, you meet someone.  someone older, who makes you so happy.  he's sweet to you. compliments you.  all that jazz.  then he turns into a drunken asshole and scares the hell out of you.  you leave for a few days to get away.  come back, hang out iwth him and a few friends.  and he expects to be able to kiss you again, have you sleep over again.  youre tempted but then realize that your heart is hurting so much right now that you couldnt even handle another guy treating you like this, treating you like shit and expecting you to be his fucking orgasm box.  not happening.  at least you feel smart about totally denying him. 

im so sick of crying.  i am SO sick of crying. im so sick of feeling used. feeling like an idiot for falling for someone who wont even date me, who doesnt like me.  i recite "dont make someone a priority if they only consider you an option" over and over and over again in my head, trying to figure out how this all started, how i let it get this far. this is probably the worst ive felt in as long as i can remember. and i hate that its becuase of a guy.  its such bullshit. 

he's such bullshit.